Tips

This section of my site contains answers to the kind of questions I recieve on a regular basis. Please take a moment and see if you can find an answer to one of your own questions - if not please your question and I'll try to post an answer.

Q.	I'm 38, my only brother is 27, and is constantly getting in trouble (drugs, stealing, etc.). I can't understand why I've turned out pretty well, and he's gone in the opposite direction, yet we were raised in the same house with the same parents, and have the same genetics.

Unfortunately, this is not that unusual. It's very common that children take on different roles in their family to solve the dysfunction of the family, and to take the "heat" off the parents (maybe dad drinks in excess, maybe mom's a doormat). In Chapter I we discuss how the roles that people take on in their childhood are frequently carried over into adulthood. What works as a child in the dysfunctional home often creates problems as person ventures out into other systems (school, work, neighborhood). Even a hero child has problems because he/she feels that failure is not an option, and this becomes quite a burden as they age. It sounds like your brother was the rebel child, and hasn't learned any other better coping skills in his adult life. It's very important for you to understand that you are not your brother's keeper, and that only he can change his behaviors.

Q.	All my life I've been kind of depressed, and feel stupid and inadequate. It seems I can never win or succeed. Have any suggestions on how to improve my life?

Other than biological concerns, I truly believe we are what we tell ourselves. The internal messages we say to ourselves are amazingly powerful, and they can either work toward a positive self-concept, or, turned against us, they can cause us to be eternally inadequate and depressed. There are two ways to look at psychological depression that make sense: 1)it may be anger-turned-inward, or 2) depression is "learned" helplessness. In Chapter 2, I note that people are often very cruel to themselves. Their internal messages can be unbelievably destructive. To change this one needs perseverance and a strong will for change. One needs to acknowledge the destructive negative self-talk, and come up with positive self-statements that contradict the negative self-image. Then practice, practice, practice! Some people make flash-cards or put positive self-statements on their walls, etc. A key to change negative self-talk is to also acknowledge the secondary gain a person gets by being depressed or negative. Sometimes it's just a good excuse for not trying. Unfortunately depression can be seen as a refuge. I often tell people they must treat themselves as they would a best friend.

Q.	My boyfriend treats me really well, but I keep pushing him away. My friends think I'm crazy because he's so good to me, and all I can think of is "When is he going to turn on me or hurt me?" What's up with that?

Our past experiences have a habit of haunting us. Many a therapist says "When you over-react to a person, it's not about that person. It's usually about someone else - usually someone in your past." The psychological term for this is "transference", where you have taken the negative relationships and painful consequences of them, and you project the negative emotions and themes onto this relationship. It's very important to examine how much is the past experiences, and how much is your present situation. If you have good and faithful friends, they just may be seeing things clearer than you at this point. You may want to examine the differences in this relationship compared to your other ones that were so painful. Hopefully this relationship is the outcome of your internal growth, and not a reflection of what was in the past. The more emotionally healthy we are, the more likely it is that we will connect with like-kind people. In Chapter 3 we discuss transference and it's implications on your relationships.

I have a friend who constantly puts all her family's needs ahead of hers. Even though she always complains to me that her grown children take advantage of her, she continues to cater to them and their wishes. She cancels her plans in order to babysit for them, is always bailing them out of their bad financial situations, and generally just can't say no (except to herself!). How can I help her?

I really don't think you can help her - she needs to help herself. The best you can do is be honest with her about your concerns, and maybe steer her to a good therapist. It sounds like your friend is a "co-dependent" person who loses herself in other peoples' problems. The standard joke for a co-dependent person is "When a co-dependent person dies, the life of their significant other flashes before their eyes." Usually a co-dependent person comes from a dysfunctional family where their worth is derived from taking care of others, and not themselves. Many times they're the "hero" child of the family system, and they don't grow out of this role. Co-dependency is a way to run away from your own internal pain. Chapter 4 will give you a more intimate look at co-dependency.

Every night when my husband comes home from work, I'd like to talk about how our day went, or just about anything. He usually just retreats to his study and reads or works, and by the time he's ready to have a discussion, I'm too tired and am ready to call it a day. I like going out with our friends a lot, and if we go to a party or something, he seems to enjoy people at first, but then he's ready to go home. What's wrong with him? Why does he want to spend so much time alone? Do you think he like might not even like me?

It sounds like you might have a classic struggle between an extrovert (you), and an introvert (your husband). Extroverts have a lot of trouble understanding introverts and introverts have a hard time communicating with extroverts. The major issues are 1) extroverts "charge their batteries" with people, and actually gain energy from the interactions with others, 2) conversely, introverts' batteries get drained from their interactions with people, 3) extroverts tend to "flood" introverts with too much talking or data, because extroverts want an immediate answer from the interaction between two people, and 4) introverts want to take any information and think about it, and then come back with any decisions or discussion. The answer for your questions is just to understand how the other person's personality functions, and make respectful compromises. We go into this in depth in Chapter 5. It would be helpful if you and your husband both read and discussed these different approaches you have to communication.

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